thegildedmagpie

Dear God I need to do this more often.

For your perusal: more than a dozen Harry Potter smut fics mostly featuring weird rarepairs, in chronological order, with all fake-cuts taking you to Daily Deviant.



Bedside Manner

Madam Pomfrey prefers her patients to sleep soundly.

Warnings/Temptations: Rated NC-17 for an adult authority figure having sex with an intoxicated minor (Poppy Pomfrey/Lavender Brown [?]), plus fingering, fisting, hands-free masturbation, and a bonus hospital setting.

Length: 1200 words

(Bedside Manner: "Here she is again ...")



There, Pussy

Minerva loses her subject for an animal-to-human Transfiguration lesson and makes do with what's at hand. What's at hand is this ugly orange tom .... Inspired by, and intended as an expansion/homage to, eeyore9990's Here, Pussy!. Incidentally, ovulation in cats is not cyclical; it can only be stimulated by the pain of penile withdrawal. Ponder for a moment what this must do to Professor McGonagall's hormones.

Warnings/Temptations: Rated NC-17 for rough hetero sex on a desk (Crookshanks/Minerva), though it's not technically bestiality (my brother, who is a furry, would object to this definition; we once had a discussion about how bestiality implies lack of ability to consent, so, like, wolf!Link/Midna fic isn't bestiality. Anyway.) There's also biting, incidental breathplay, and suggestions of the worrying anthropomorphization of a goat.

Length: 2100 words.

(There, Pussy: "Ungulates are actually quite good for animal-to-human transformations, and Aberforth is always willing to allow her to borrow a goat...")



The Last Thing

1997. Everything Lucius owns has been torn away from him as a punishment for his failure of the Dark Lord. She's no exception.

Look, Ma, I wrote Death Eater fic!

Warnings/Temptations: Rated R for nonconsensual/dubious incestuous threesome (Voldie/Bella/Cissa), plus unintentional voyeurism by Lucius and general depressingness. Loving cuddles between a very close Lucius and Narcissa. Be aware that this will seriously squick some people as it was written for the "menstrual taboo" theme and features cunnilingus during menstruation (Narcissa earns her red wings, as they say).

Length: 1600 words

(The Last Thing: "He can't decide whether to be in a perpetual rage or just give up and learn to crawl ...")



The Lowest Drawer

Albus Dumbledore gazes into his Pensieve and the lowest drawer of his desk. In true Nietzschean fashion, they gaze also into him.

Warnings/Temptations: Rated R for self-flagellation (in both senses) and kinda dorky, very horny teenagers (Albus/Gellert). Also for dirty talk spiked by academic obsession with various bodily fluids and for bittersweet epistolary fic.

Length: 2000 words

(The Lowest Drawer: "Has there ever been anyone else?")



Not for You

Severus is over his lab table, and I fail to see what more anyone could need from life. There has been some intrigue over who the other guy is and I'm still not telling.

Warnings/Temptations: Rated NC-17 for dirty wrong sex on a lab table between Severus Snape and an unidentified (topping) male, plus BDSM, masturbation, and a facial.

Length: 1700 words

(Not for You: "He's been sore for days ...")



Balance of Power

Sometimes, yes, Tom did get in trouble at school. The punishments, arguably, hurt his Transfiguration teacher more than they hurt him.

I'm still in love with this fic. This so totally happened. Mind you, I'm pretty sure it happened to Thomas Rathbone, the Tom expy planned for inclusion in hp_steamworks, but still.

Warnings/Temptations: Rated R for spanking/birching in an academic setting and a teacher's USTish filthy lust for his 15-year-old student (Dumbledore/Tom).

Length: 2200 words

(Balance of Power: "I'm truly rather surprised at you, Tom ...")



Lust in the Time of Sprouting

This, my Kinky Kristmas fic for coffee_n_cocoa, is another of my personal favorites. A couple of years after the events of Deathly Hallows made their relationship a comfort and a necessity, Ginny visits Neville for a spot of fun. He and his plants have plans for her.

Warnings/Temptations: Rated NC-17 for teacher/student roleplay (both characters are adults, except in a flashback), mild D/s, bondage, pussy whipping, nipple play, blowjobs, botanical abuse, object insertion, dirty talk.

Length: 2200 words

(Lust in the Time of Sprouting: "Have I been naughty, Professor?" "I wish you wouldn't ...")



Notch

My second Kinky Kristmas fic in 2010, this one for someoldcat. It's Christmas Eve and someone has to clean up after the Order meeting. Eventually Severus knew he'd wind up alone with Black, but he wasn't expecting these … solicitations. Alternate title: “A Smorgasbord of Snack,” featuring a meaty entree of rough sex with an enhancing side of angst, a piquant bounty of insults, and a subtle dash of revenge. Garnished with Sev's adorable flaily incoherence of RAGE.

Warnings/Temptations: Rated NC-17 for rough hatesex, bondage, and implications of underage dubcon back in the day.

Length: 2200 words. I'm seeing a pattern here.

(Notch: "You're a stinking prancing girly-haired halfwit bastard, you know that?")



Who Do

Among the weird things in the Black family attic is a crude little voodoo doll. It's 1997, and Narcissa doesn't quite know who she's using it on ...

This works as a companion to "The Last Thing," above. If you figure Lucius had his own problems to worry about.

I've linked to the cut; for the fullest experience of the mystery, don't scroll up. If you're familiar with the handkerchief code, there's a bit of meta reference thereto.

Warnings/Temptations: Rated NC-17 for kinktasticness. Sex magic, pyrophilia, humiliation, cunnilingus, breathplay, objects insertion, D/s, dubcon, piercing, tattooing, tit torture, cross-gen teacher-student, a first-time lesbian experience and a not-especially-peppy mood. Various pairings, both het and femmeslash, are alluded to or fantasized about.

Length: 4800 words

(Who Do: "She didn't know from whence the doll came, from whom the hair ...")



The Little Wizard's Book of Slutty Goosings

A comedic collaboration with pre_raphaelite1 for which there is absolutely no excuse. A commenter has described it as "Appalling, full stop."

Warnings/Temptations: Rated R for defilement of your childhood, rhyme.

Length: 1100 words, some of it "poetry"

(The Little Wizard's Book of Slutty Goosings: "I would not like a rectal exam. I would not like it, Madam-I-Am!")



Things Taken

"You will return these things to your owners with their apologies," said the Professor, but Tom can sense that he understands the value of things.

Warnings/Temptations: Rated R for a highly sexualized exploration of kleptomania. Eroticized humiliation. Masturbation. The beginning of the teacher/student relationship that progresses into "Balance of Power." Tom is eleven.

Length: 1400 words

(Things Taken: "It troubles his pride that the items in the cardboard box look so worthless ...")



Devotions

A bound and blindfolded Severus must prove himself to his new Lord tonight. Lucius watches and can't help but want.

Warnings/Temptations: Rated NC-17 for sex magic, dubious consent, coercion, bukakke, bondage, depilation, public sex, face-slapping, oral sex of an orgiastic nature, flagrant abuse of italics.

Length: 3000 words

(Devotions: "Severus might even enjoy this, if ...")



The Good Teacher

Percy Weasley is in a bit of a sexual pickle, and his Head of House seems a safer bet than Madam Pomfrey for fixing it.

Warnings/Temptations: Rated R for extremes of embarrassment, teacher/student, and Minerva so sharp she'll cut you.

Length: 1800 words

(The Good Teacher: "'What have your brothers been doing to you this time, then?' seems to be incontrovertibly the right question ...")



A Toy at Christmas

Since apparently I like my rarepairs really damn rare, this was one of my Kinky Kristmas fics for 2011, written for gypsyflame. The side hints of Moody/Flitwick were an homage to r_grayjoy.

Nothing turns Draco on more than being treated like a sex toy. And in the guise of his fourth-year Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Barty Crouch is only too happy to treat him that way.

Warnings/Temptations: Rated R for very channy teacher/student D/s sex with humiliation, objectification, risk of exposure, silk pants, and brattiness.

Length: 2600 words

{A Toy at Christmas: "The supercilious little brat is at it again ...")



Repeat Offenders

My 2011 Kinky Christmas fic for kelly_chambliss, who I absolutely adore. After DH, Neville returns to Hogwarts as Professor Sprout's assistant. In between learning to call his former teachers by their first names and cope with their odd senses of humor, he goes to return some library books and learns all he never wanted to know about the penalties for failing to renew on time.

I think this is one of the best character pieces I've ever written; apparently that's not all, since this has been a nominee for "Hottest Smut Scene" in the Spring 2012 HP Fanfic Fan Poll Awards.

Warnings/Temptations: Rated NC-17 for threesome among older women (Irma Pince/Pomona Sprout/Minerva McGonagall), accidental voyeurism, erotic discipline, orgasm denial, corsets, bondage, cunnilingus, and a slightly violent flashback to DH.

Length: 3900 words

{Repeat Offenders: "Professor Sprout said Neville should call her Pomona now ...")


And this concludes the '10-'11 ficdump!

EEE, I tell you!



One of my Kinky Kristmas fics for this year, Repeat Offenders, has received a nomination for Hottest Smut Scene in the Spring 2012 HP Fanfic Fan Poll Awards!

There's a large complement of delightful stories that can be voted upon from February 1st to March 31st, including a gift to pre_raphaelite1 from the same fest under "Best AU" -- here are the nominees and here's how to vote.

And to whoever nominated me, thank you!

Book One

Professor McGonagall and the Year In Which A Lot of First Years, Including One Rather Famous One, Made the Lot of Us Look Like Rank Amateurs

Book Two

Professor McGonagall and the Year In Which We Had to Cope with A Young Girl in Pajamas Being Possessed by the Ghost of a Former Lover, and Also Bloody Lockhart, and Also A Snake

Book Three

Professor McGonagall and the Year In Which the Whole Staff Jumped At Small Noises Rather More than Usual

Book Four

Professor McGonagall and the Year In Which We Finally Had to Accept That Our Lives Revolved around Harry Potter

Book Five

Professor McGonagall and the Year In Which We Don't Remember Much of Our Classes Because We Were at Order Meetings, Doing Things, and Also Drinking

Book Six

Professor McGonagall and the Year In Which Albus Let Severus Have His Bloody Job Already, Staff Room Conversation Devolved Entirely into the Discussion of Harry Potter and His Various Aptitudes or Lack Thereof, and Also Albus Died

Book Seven

Professor McGonagall and the Year In Which She Determined that Neville Longbottom Would Have Been a Much Better Chosen One, and Also Severus May or May Not Have Died, and Also Voldemort Was Killed, Again

I've never written Wicked fic before and I haven't read it in years -- not since I presented that paper at Azkatraz 09. But I have "What is This Feeling?" running through my head today, which got me thinking about how sad I was that Sarima and her wonderfully weird relationship with Elphaba were dropped from the musical. Then this thing happened.

Impasse

Fandom: Wicked

Of course they would never replace Fiyero to one another. But there must have been more than one reason that Sarima never let Auntie Witch leave.

Warnings/Temptations: Rated R for girl-sex between mature women (Elphaba/Sarima) and some exploration of canonical genderqueer themes. Also questionable chronology and a couple of made-up words.

Length: 1121 words

( Impasse )

Sooo I wrote a fic for Daily Deviant, because my life is a happy thing. This was for a prompt by thilia and beta'd by my beloved PR1.

And here it is.

A Galleon and a Good Time

Fandom: Harry Potter

In which butterbeer is consumed, Christmas cards are read, and Ginny knows just how she'd like to spend a Christmas Eve with her brother.

Pairings: Percy/Ginny and suggested Ginny/Twins.

Warnings/Temptations: Porn. Smarminess. Chan (very, very chan). Fraternal incest. Suggested mild intoxication.



Percy has just about had it with Family Traditions.

(He is tempted to make an announcement to this effect ...)

Because the world totally needs 700 words of Shakespeare fan porn. Yes. Shakespeare. Some of you are aware that I RP Iago in bearandbarnacle; this was supposed to be his reply to the topic "underwear," but in the midst of Entomology 010 I somehow forgot to include any reference thereto. Also, when I figure out whether I want to capitalize 'tis, I'll let you know.

Fandom: Othello

Othello is a morning person. Iago is not. Othello is awake. Iago is not. Othello is turned on. Iago is not. Hijinks ensue. I think it's sort of funny and cute, but this may depend on knowing Iago.

Warnings/Temptations: Rated R for sodomy most unlawful, blasphemy most vile, con most dub, and language most foul.



Iago is asleep, in that crashed-out, completely unconscious way that he gets after days of strong-tea-fueled work pays off at last. He’s so deeply asleep that when Othello starts nudging him, it takes him a full minute to realize what’s going on.

( Bugger. )

This is actually my bearandbarnacle topic post for November. The topics were "poetry" and "monsters."

Monsters

Fandom: Harry Potter

Minerva took longer than she should have to see through Tom, and when she did it was at the worst possible time.

Warnings: PG-13 to R for non-explicit sex and disturbing visual content.

December 1944

“Certainly it’s poetic,” says Minerva. “A great many things are poetic. That doesn’t make them true.”

“In some people’s minds it does,” Tom says, and lays out the cards. “Inverted nine of swords again, mind you.”

“There’s a ten in – what, sixty-five? – ten in sixty-five chance of any given card showing in this spread. About one to seven. One in thirteen if you were to count inversions.”

“As we are.” He picks up each card as Minerva tallies it on the great curling sweep of parchment, his long white hands curving capably over the deck

( Read more... )

preraphaelite1 is making Tom Kah soup. I am tasting it for her. This is a very useful and helpful thing. Really.

In other news, my RP character Val has suddenly decided it's okay for him to talk. He's babbling about marmosets in my head, only he pronounces it with a pause between the syllables, which I can best render as "mar-mo-set!" This is odd because three weeks ago, he was hardly speaking at all. There's an evil plan in this somewhere. I know Val. I can tell.

The constant chatter is really, really not helping me write a paper about tourism matrix theory.

Since I know I'm probably getting most of my visitors thus far from pre_raphaelite1, a snapshot of what I'm doing right now seems an appropriate intro.

We spent this morning protesting Proposition 8 on the wild and dangerous streets of PR's hometown. Then we took a nap. This is when I made the mistake of taking her out and caffeinating her. My idea was that being in a coffee shop would help her focus on the Victorian poetry we were supposed to be reading in prep for her Ph.D exams (I am trying to help her study by making her explain things to me so we know she can go through the whole process of said explanation. She keeps saying, "Magpie, shuttup!" This is either a bad sign for my helpingness or a good sign for her creative juices).

Now we are sitting on her Futon of Death and every time my laptop bumps her arm she goes "AAAAAH!" at me. I asked her, "Where's my purse, inside?" and she said, "In the house on the counter yes." This is about the trend of her answers tonight.

Caffeine + stress + me asking her to explain things = THIS.

Should note down this formula for future reference.

Um, yeah. Hi. Issamee.

to an IJ near you...